


A Comedy of Errors (and Idiot Brothers)

by raendown



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Everyone has the same goal, F/M, M/M, My god they're all dumb, No one realizes this, Someone Help Them, idiots being idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-07-29 03:52:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16256120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raendown/pseuds/raendown
Summary: Everyone in the world has two soulmates, platonic and romantic. Only your platonic soulmate can find your romantic soulmate for you. Hashirama should have known who Madara was the moment they met. Tobiramadidknow who Mito was as soon astheymet. Everything would be so much easier if they were able to just say something about it to each other but since when does the universe like making things easy?





	1. Of Popcorn and Plotting

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a gift for an anon on here who identified themselves only as "Dipping my toe in the pond". Their idea was too amazing to contain in just the 2k I usually allot for the Soulmate Collection. 
> 
> **Explanation of how this soulmate universe works** : everyone in the world had two soulmates, a platonic one and a romantic one. Only your platonic soulmate can find your romantic soulmate for you. They are physically incapable of actually telling you until they have already gotten you together with your romantic soulmate; this way there are no pairs that get together only because they're told they should.

If Hashirama had been able to tell as soon as they met that Madara was his brother’s romantic soulmate then all their lives would probably have been a lot easier. Clumsy and obvious in any attempt at subtlety, it would not have been hard for Tobirama to tell what was going on even at such a young age. Unfortunately for all Hashirama’s emotional and interpersonal intelligence he still lacked in a few other areas – things like situational awareness or telling the difference between an upset stomach and the internal alarm which should have identified his brother’s other soulmate at first glance.

Why the universe had to make things so complicated was beyond him. Once he figured it out, Hashirama spent countless hours commiserating the fact that forces beyond his understanding prevented him from simply opening his mouth and spilling the beans to Tobirama. He’d tried, oh how he had tried. Many a night had been spent sitting next to his brother as the younger man watched television, opening his mouth and yet unable to force himself to just say the words _Madara is your romantic soulmate_. He tried to write it down but his hand wouldn’t move the pen. He’d even tried telling someone else so they could pass on the message but ran in to the same problems.

“Hashi, you’re staring at me again.” Tobirama didn’t bother to look away from the movie they were watching, chastising him gently while he reached for the bowl of popcorn between them. Hashirama wrinkled his nose.

“I wish I could telepathically make you hear my thoughts,” he grumbled. Tobirama shuddered.

“Don’t ever suggest anything that terrifying to me again.”

Pouting now, Hashirama turned away. A lot of people considered him very lucky to have been born in to the same family as his platonic soulmate, a rare phenomenon. Most people had to search for years to find their platonic soulmate in order for that person to identify their romantic match for them. Hashirama didn’t know if he was very lucky at all because his little brother was a big old meanie and even though he himself was creeping up on thirty years old already Tobirama still hadn’t shown any signs of finding Hashirama’s romantic partner.

Why did it all have to be so _complicated_?

“Quit staring before I dump the popcorn in your lap and make you clean it all up.”

“Tobi!” Hashirama whined and sank back in to the corner of the couch. “I was staring at you for a reason!”

“But you’re not saying anything so all you’re doing is annoying me.”

“Hmph!”

If he could just open his mouth and say what he wanted to then he would have had a lot less on his mind over the past couple of months. So far all his hopes that someone else might notice on their own had come to naught. No one else seemed to see what he saw, that Madara and Tobirama would be absolutely perfect for each other, but that might have had something to do with the way they constantly bickered over the smallest things. Hashirama was at least mostly certain that it was friendly bickering, similar to the way Tobirama gave all his brothers a hard time when he thought they were doing something the wrong way.

Or his version of the wrong way. Tobirama had very rigid opinions on some things.

He knew Madara’s platonic soulmate but, oddly enough, Izuna didn’t seem too interested in helping him get them together. The other young man was just a little too laid back about the whole affair for Hashirama’s comfort. This soulmate stuff was serious business! Sure, Tobirama was a whole and complete person by himself and okay _yes_ he didn’t need his soulmate to survive or anything. He could even fall in love with someone else, it was possible. But a romantic soulmate was a _best match_ and he had always wanted the best for all of his siblings. This was no different.

Wiggling his toes absently, Hashirama wracked his brain for the hundredth time for how he might bring these two stubborn men together. They knew each other already so it wouldn’t be all that suspicious if he were plan some kind of event for them both to attend but that didn’t guarantee they would spend any time together. Maybe…

His eyes widened and it took all his meager self-control not to leap in to the air with triumph. What a perfect idea! He would set the two of them up to go on a date without telling either of them! Surely Izuna would help with that much at least!

At the other end of the sofa Tobirama watched his brother from the corner of one eye, rightfully suspicious. Whatever had put that terrifying gleam in the man’s eye could not be good. He gave some thought to calling him out but at least he was being quiet for once, giving Tobirama a chance to do a little scheming of his own. Last week he had quite literally bumped in to a woman with brilliant red hair who set off all sorts of alarm bells in his head and tied knots in his stomach, brand new sensations that were instantly familiar. Finally, after so many years of searching, he had met his brother’s romantic soulmate.

It had been a little awkward approaching her without the ability to say why, although she seemed intelligent enough that he suspected she knew why a gay man was so interested in getting her number. At least he hoped she knew. She had agreed to meet up at some point this weekend and if she thought it was meant to be a date he wasn’t sure he would survive the embarrassment. If she hadn’t realized he was gay they would both have some fast talking to do but that was a problem easily dealt with so long as he came equipped with a romantic soulmate in his back pocket like six feet of human shield. He would still rather avoid the possible mortification if possible.

Now all he needed was an excuse to get Hashirama out of the house without raising any suspicions. He wasn’t exactly known for enjoying activities out in public surrounded by noisy crowds and pushy strangers but there was one weakness he could play upon which had yet to fail him in twenty-five years: brotherly bonds.

“You don’t have any plans for this weekend, do you?” he asked, eyes forward and tone casual.

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“The fair. I thought it might be nice to go to the fair together.” Mito would be coming along as well, of course, but there was no need for Hashirama to know that just yet. If all went well there would be no need for him to bother with half-assed explanations for why he had brought along an unexpected friend. Tobirama knew his brother’s weakness for a pretty face and even he could see that Mito was exceptionally beautiful. Having a preference for another gender didn’t make him blind.

Hashirama’s manic grin as he lunged over for a surprise hug was a little worrying, though. “Oh, Tobi! That’s such a cute idea! And you don’t mind if Madara comes too, right? I just know the two of you would have so much fun together!”

“Fine, whatever.” He had no idea why his sibling insisted on bringing Madara with them everywhere they went lately but if that’s what it took to get the man out to meet up with Mito then Tobirama would deal with it gladly.

It wasn’t as though he disliked Madara. Quite the opposite, really. The man was distractingly attractive and he showed hints of a high intellect. What Tobirama found annoying was that those hints were buried under the caustic spiky personality Madara used to keep everyone around him at arm’s length. How the man had become ‘best friends’ with Hashirama was a mystery when he barely seemed to even seemed to understand the concept of friends at all. The only person Madara seemed to care much about was his own younger brother and even their relationship was rocky, a confusing mixture of pointed insults and overprotective squabbling.

Actually, come to think of it, that might just be how he showed affection. Tobirama twisted his mouth to one side in thought and completely ignored Hashirama’s enthusiastic chatter as he contemplated the idea that Madara was just a _dick._ He was aware most people would find that off-putting but he actually found a bit of relief in that theory. If Madara was an asshole he was at least an honest one, not someone who tried to sugarcoat their own personality, and that was something Tobirama could empathize with. After all, he was a bit of an unrepentant dick himself.

With that in mind he found himself a little less worried about having Madara there for their weekend plans at the fair. Now that he had the man figured out it wouldn’t be _too_ painful spending the minimum amount of time with him that he would have to stay before he could slink back home to his research papers and not get yelled at for it.

“Right, well, since I’m taking you to the fair you owe me a favor now and I say we’re watching something else. This movie’s barely halfway through and I have been bored since the opening credits.” Tobirama reached for the remote and smirked when protesting whines began to emanate from the other end of the couch. “Oh be quiet. I’m going out to be social. You can let me have this one.”

“I…yeah, true. That’s fair.” Hashirama sank back down in to his corner of the couch, moodily pulling the bowl of popcorn in to his lap while Tobirama got up and popped out the DVD for one of his favorite romances. He’d thought maybe it would get his brother in the mood but – he smiled deviously at Tobirama’s back – soon enough that would be Madara’s job.


	2. Of Haunted Houses and Absent Assholes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost forgot to post this...whoops...

The fair was just as disgustingly noisy as he had feared it would be. Tobirama wrinkled his nose in irritation when some untamed child went screeching passed him waving a half-eaten stick of cotton candy aloft like a sword. If he ever had children of his own he could only hope they would be better behaved than that.

And better dressed. Whoever came up with rompers clearly didn’t seem to understand how often children need to pee or how messy it could be when they waited too long to do so.

Foot tapping with impatience, he skimmed his gaze over the crowds surrounding him for what felt like the hundredth time. Hashirama was supposed to be meeting him right here beside the ticket booth and a man that tall should have been easy to spot over everyone else’s heads yet there remained no sign of him. Why they even had to take separate cars was still something Tobirama didn’t understand. They lived together! But Hashirama had mumbled some sort of nonsense under his breath about the post office and having an appointment later until Tobirama rolled his eyes and caved. How they got here wasn’t important as long as he managed to get Hashirama and Mito here at the same time.

Speaking of, Tobirama felt his lips quirk up reluctantly when he caught sight of brilliant red hair. Mito stepped out of the crowds looking like an autumn breeze, completely uncaring of the summer heat shining down from above. Her hair swirled around her in elegant curls making the perfect complement to her yellow sundress. She smiled politely when Tobirama waved to her, hurrying over on her little kitten heels. If Hashirama didn’t drop his jaw at the sight of her Tobirama would eat his own socks.

“Good afternoon, Tobirama,” she greeted him, tucking a few stray hairs behind one ear.

“Thank you for being so prompt,” he said. “I only wish I could say the same of my brother, who appears to be running a bit late. I apologize for that.” It wasn’t a great first impression but it was one he hoped Mito would be willing to overlook. Perhaps she was the forgiving sort.

The two of them chatted for a few minutes during which Tobirama deeply regretted his oversight in not wearing sunblock for a day out in the sun. His plan had been to leave the two of them alone once they met and connected but he couldn’t do that if Hashirama didn’t hurry his ass up and _get here_. Just as Tobirama was starting to think about calling his idiot sibling another familiar voice called his name and he looked around the area with a frown, unable to see who was talking to him.

Madara spilled out of the crowd to one side with his already wild hair made even larger by the humidity in the air, sticking against his skin to highlight the dark scowl he was wearing. The effect was halfway between 'adorable' and 'monster from the black lagoon'.

“Where the fuck is your brother?” the man demanded without preamble. Tobirama shrugged.

“A good question.”

“You don’t know, do you? Useless.” Madara huffed and clawed at his hair, clearly trying to force it in to some semblance of order. His eyes dragged up and down Mito’s form with open suspicion. “Who’s the broad?”

Immediately Tobirama wanted to drop his face in to both hands, Mito bristling at his side. He would have given the man a good solid lecture on why exactly that sort of language was offensive but, as it turned out, it was unnecessary. Mito had a fine voice for putting idiots in their place and Tobirama found himself impressed with the vocal ranges she achieved without ever breaking away from her expression of icy disdain.

He was enjoying the show, though giving some thought for cutting in to suggest they all go look around to see if Hashirama had merely gotten lost, when a rhythmic buzzing in his pocket distracted him. Tobirama pulled out his phone to check only to see several texts sent from the very man they were missing.

_Something came up, I’m really sorry!_  
_Emergency, I promise!_  
 _Have fun with Madara!_  
 _Don’t be mad!_

Clenching his phone tighter, Tobirama narrowed his eyes at the screen and all the disgustingly cheerful emojis that followed. That dirty rotten fool! How dare he flake out at the last second when he had been the one this entire outing was meant for! Even worse, none of their little gathering really knew each other all that well yet he could hardly ask Mito to go home after she had come all this way and if they weren’t going to leave then it would be rude to ask Madara to go. Looking back and forth between his two companions told him everything he needed to know about how awkward this was going to be.

With a deep breath and a silent promise for vengeance later, Tobirama cleared his throat and broke in between their healthy little spat.

“It appears that Hashirama will no longer be joining us,” he announced. Madara stared back at him with narrowed eyes.

“What, so I’m supposed to just hang out with you then?”

“Oh my _apologies_ , I had no idea I wasn’t good enough for you.”

“I didn’t say that!”

“Your meaning was clear enough.”

To his amusement, Madara actually stomped one of his feet in anger. “I said nothing of the sort! I just don’t like being blown off like this! Just for that I’m staying! I’ll stick to your side like glue the whole day, see if I don’t!”

Although Tobirama had many things to say to that, his awareness of the rest of the world chose that moment to come back and remind him that they were standing in the middle of a very public area with several other adults within earshot, all of them no doubt laughing at the scene he and Madara were making. It had been fun watching Mito make a scene. Being in the middle of one himself was just embarrassing. With a moody grumble he shoved the tickets meant for Hashirama in to Madara’s hands and turned away towards the rest of the festivities.

Fairs, in his opinion, were for children and young adults on dates. It felt supremely awkward for the three of them to wander around with matching scowls and grunt at each other about which rides they should go on. Amazingly, Madara seemed to agree with him in at least that respect. Both of them favored the haunted house over the Ferris wheel and yet somehow they still ended up piled in to a tiny little booth dangling several meters above the ground.

Mito could be persuasive when she wanted something, apparently.

Tobirama would rather leap to his death from the top of the ride than admit it but by the time they had gone all the way around he realized that he was actually having fun. Once all of them settled down and fell in to calmer conversations their little trio got along surprisingly well. Mito had done many interesting things in her life and Madara had endless tales about his job that Tobirama could listen to for hours. It didn’t hurt either that Madara had a very attractive voice, quite easy to get lost in, though Tobirama didn’t see fit to mention that either. Getting involved with his brother’s best friend didn’t strike him as a great idea.

After the Ferris wheel they went through the Haunted House as a compromise, where Madara jumped at every noise around every corner and Tobirama tripped on something in the dark, sending him careening in to the older man. Mito floated through the entire attraction with a great deal of poise – until they were rather abruptly introduced to her fear of clowns just before the exit and immediately after sworn to secrecy about it. Tobirama tucked that little bit of information in to the back of his mind just in case. One never knew when one might need a bit of insurance for something.

Several attractions and a stop at the food stalls later Tobirama decided he was smug about having such a good time even though Hashirama had abandoned them all so suddenly. Step one of his revenge would be going over the day’s activities in minute detail just to torture his brother with all the fun he had missed. Madara turned out to be better company than he had known and Mito he could see himself becoming great friends with. He had honestly expected nothing but awkward silences and petty bickering for the whole day but as long as he kept himself positioned between his two companions and never let them really get going then they actually got along fairly well.

He wondered if this was what it felt like to have friends. Then he wrinkled his nose at such a soppy thought and shoved it away. Friends were for Hashirama. He much preferred his books and his minions at work, the ones who followed his every command without question.

Okay, with a lot of questions. They weren’t the brightest but they still did what he told them to.

Wobbling away from the Pendulum ride on shaky knees, Madara was the first to give in for the day. He very pointedly ignored Mito’s sneer for having such a weak stomach for the faster rides and instead directed his words to Tobirama, who found himself oddly fixated on the shape of the man’s half smile.

“Kind of glad Hashirama didn’t come and force a bunch of cotton candy down my throat but if you’ll both excuse me I still need to go home and throw up.” Madara glared when Mito hid a smile behind one hand.

“Leave if you must,” Tobirama told him, trying not to sound too interested.

“Tell that asshole brother of yours that he owes me big for flaking out on this.”

“I’m afraid you’ll need to get in line.”

They shared a grin and Tobirama thought it might be worth revisiting the idea of them becoming friends, at least. He did his best not to laugh when Madara and Mito sneered at each other challengingly in place of goodbyes. Those two probably weren’t destined to become close in any way.

As soon as Madara was out of sight Mito allowed her shoulders to slump with exhaustion and admitted that she was done for the day as well, she’d just wanted to outlast Madara. Tobirama laughed and waved her off, trading quick promises to get together again sometime before parting ways. The more he got to know her the more excited he was for her to meet with Hashirama and become a part of his family. She was a hundred times better than the many horrible possibilities he’d been picturing all these years, the hyperactive idiots who would match perfectly to his brother but annoy the hell out of him personally. Mito, at least, he could get along with.

Sauntering across the parking lot back to his own car, Tobirama fished his phone out of his pocket and opened his text app to the messages his brother had sent him earlier. He sent a single message in reply and then he put it away again and refused to answer further, easily ignoring the rapid buzzing of several responses. Revenge was easy when he had twenty odd years of experience turning Hashirama’s own excitable personality back on to itself.

-

_Be afraid, brother. Be very afraid._

_-_

_Tobi?_  
_What did I do?_  
 _Tobi are you angry?_  
 _Please answer._  
 _Why should I be afraid?_  
 _Hello?_  
 _TOBI?!_  
 _TOBI PICK UP THE PHONE WHY SHOULD I BE AFRAID??? :( :( :(_


	3. Of Blind Dates and Bad Timing

Madara played with the cufflinks on his shirt as he tilted his head back to take in the glitzy sign hanging above the restaurant. Why Izuna wanted them to eat here was beyond him when there were no less than five burger joints within walking distance of their apartment building. They didn’t have to spend so much money on a stupidly fancy meal at some overpriced restaurant and, honestly, Madara got pretty tired of wearing suits to work every day so he sort of resented having to wear one to dinner too. But if this was what Izuna wanted to do then Madara was willing to dress up a bit more than usual to spend some time with his baby brother.

The hostess greeted him with a saccharine smile and an appreciative once over which lifted his spirits a little even if she wasn’t really his type. It was always nice to be noticed. Unfortunately the table he was led to was suspiciously empty. Madara frowned because Izuna was supposed to be coming here straight from the office; he should have made it here ten minutes ago.

Despite the lack of brotherly company there wasn’t much for Madara to do but slip in to his seat and accept the menu with a curt nod, abandoning it immediately in favor of the wine list. He was definitely going to make Izuna pick up the tab tonight. Which meant he was definitely ordering an expensive bottle of wine to go with their meal. He was smirking to himself while he perused the finest reds on offer when a deep voice from just behind him piqued his interest, making him twist in his seat to peer over one shoulder.

His heart skipped uncomfortably as he took in the sight of Senju Tobirama in a three piece suit. Even shifting with obvious discomfort and wearing a dark scowl the man made for quite the picture, black suit contrasting very nicely with his pale skin and the deep maroon tie bringing out the brilliant red of his eyes. Usually Madara only saw Tobirama during the brief moments he and Hashirama spent dropping by his friend’s home and the younger man could normally be found in khakis and thin sweaters, simple functional clothing. Seeing him like this was like seeing an entirely different person, morphing him from ‘attractive’ to ‘dangerously distracting’ with nothing but a simple change of clothing. Madara was grateful for the few moments he had to gather his wits before Tobirama turned his head to sulk in the other direction and their gazes crossed.

“Madara. Fancy seeing you here.” For whatever reason, Tobirama didn’t sound all that surprised.

“You don’t strike me as the fine dining type, Senju.” Madara grinned. “You strike me as the continue-working-while-I-inhale-a-sandwich type.”

“Hashirama is _threatening_ my work. He set me up on a blind date, of all things, and if I don’t cooperate he’s going to give my notes to one of our nieces for _doodling on_. They are scientific calculations! Not children’s coloring books!” Before he could work himself up in to a larger rant, the man slumped back in his seat with crossed arms, jaw clenching in irritation.

Madara hid a smile. His friend’s younger brother could be a churlish ass but the things he chose to focus on as important never failed to amuse.

“Blind date, huh? Can’t get one on your own?”

“People are stupid,” Tobirama hissed. “And my brother has no taste, clearly. Whoever was meant to be meeting me here is more than fifteen minutes late. I despise people who can’t be punctual.”

“I know how that feels, at least. Izuna should have beaten me here but he hasn’t even called or anything.” Curious – and maybe a little suspicious – Madara pulled his phone out of his pocket to check and make sure his brother hadn’t sent him any texts. Nothing. Just in case, he sent one off with enough punctuation marks to make it clear how much he didn’t appreciate whatever game this was.

“And that would be why your brother and I are not friends.”

“Bullshit, he’s always hanging around your lab since the two of you met.”

Tobirama sniffed. “He’s a barnacle. I never said I wanted him there.”

With a roll of his eyes Madara turned back to his wine list, concealing a smile between the folds of the fancy booklet. If Tobirama didn’t want someone in his labs he wasn’t shy in the least about kicking them out. The two of them got along better than he liked to admit. Madara’s theory was that Tobirama was just used to the ‘excited puppy’ act from dealing with his own brother; it would only feel natural to fall in to the same patterns with Izuna. At least Izuna didn’t try to hug him all the time.

Another five minutes passed without any reply to the texts he sent, leading Madara to believe his gut feeling was right. Obviously Izuna wasn’t coming. He would be willing to bet Hashirama hadn’t actually invited anyone here for Tobirama either, which meant that the two of them were both here alone intentionally. The only question he had was why. Was _he_ supposed to be Tobirama’s unwitting blind date? Who the hell had that idea? Madara wasn’t opposed to the idea of being set up with someone but he would have preferred to be informed about the situation or at least been given a description of his potential date so he could determine if he was interested.

Pausing, Madara let his wine list droop back to the table, staring off in to the middle distance. Would he have said yes if Izuna or Hashirama had asked him about this beforehand? Tobirama was attractive, there was no doubting that. And he was intelligent, something Madara had poor luck finding in partners, but he wasn’t smug about his intelligence. Sure he hated it when people didn’t keep up with him but usually Tobirama solved that by merely separating himself from the people he considered stupid, thereby avoiding the frustration altogether.

He was spinning around in his chair before he could give himself time to think about it.

“Why don’t you come sit here with me? It appears Izuna has forgotten he was meant to join me and there’s no point in both of us sitting alone.” Madara hoped his face wasn’t red. If it was Tobirama didn’t say anything about it, only blinked at him in surprise before tilted his head contemplatively.

“I suppose so.” Halfway out of his chair, the man twisted his mouth wryly. “I don’t suppose you’d help me plan how to get back at Hashirama for this? It seems I have many reasons for a little friendly payback against him lately.”

Madara grinned. “Now that sounds like good dinner conversation.”

The two of them snickered together while Tobirama slid in to the seat across from him, both men intimately familiar with the frustration that came hand in hand with being one of Hashirama’s precious people. Well-meaning and devoted to his loved ones he might be but Hashirama’s over-enthusiastic methods often left something to be desired. He wasn’t the best at taking in to account that other people might not want things done the same way he would do them, which usually resulted in a lot of apologies from his end and not a few tears as well.

His waiter came back in the middle of Tobirama describing some rather evil plans involving itching powder and Hashirama’s turn with the laundry machine. Neither of them had given much thought to their menus yet, too caught up in chatting, but Madara did send for that wine. Tobirama had only just picked out what he wanted to eat when a pair of hands came down on the edge of their table and they both looked up to find Izuna standing over them with a sharp grin edged with laughter.

“Phew! Sorry I’m late, Mads. Car broke down. I had to run all the way here!”

“You’re not very winded for someone who just ran several blocks,” Tobirama pointed out with one eyebrow raised. Izuna waved him aside with a careless laugh.

“I sat down for a minute before coming over. Didn’t think Madara wanted me huffing and puffing all over the food. So…where the food?”

“You’re also remarkably dry for someone running in the rain.” Blinking slowly, Tobirama turned to look pointedly towards the window across the room. Madara hadn’t even noticed it had begun to rain. Now that he did he had to admit it would be impossible for Izuna to run through that downpour without getting soaked.

With narrowed eyes, Izuna leaned in to glare at his friend. “I had an umbrella,” he growled.

Tobirama held out in silence for a few heartbeats until giving in at last, likely deeming it too much trouble to be suspicious any further. Madara cleared his throat and looked away from both of them. Apparently Izuna hadn’t abandoned him, which meant that his ideas about being set up on an unwitting date weren’t true. He couldn’t decide if he was relieved or disappointed but it was a very welcome distraction when the waiter appeared with an extra chair and a menu for his brother.

Dinner, when they finally got to eat, was amazing. The conversation wasn’t quite as lively as it could have been with Tobirama staying mostly quiet after Izuna’s arrival, only speaking when one of them directed a question to him or when he felt the need to rib his friend for saying something dumb. Madara did manage to guilt his brother in to paying for all of them and felt no shame for doing so. It was all his fault that Madara had entertained such odd thoughts, thoughts that lingered in his mind even now like whispers that echoed no matter how he tried to turn his attention elsewhere.

If Madara hadn’t been so distracted by the backside of Tobirama in a suit when they all stood up to leave he might have noticed that Izuna failed to retrieve the umbrella he supposedly came in with when he went to take his jacket from the coat check.  Tobirama might have noticed if he hadn’t been busily texting Mito an embarrassing story about his brother; if she was going to be a part of their family then she was going to have to know these things and if he wanted her to go in to this with forewarning _and_ get a little revenge at the same time then he was only killing two birds with one stone.

Neither of the pair gave any attention to Izuna when he mumbled a few excuses about calling a tow truck and ducked back inside the restaurant, falling easily in to conversation as they walked across the parking lot together. Izuna watched them go with a smile, phone held to his ear and listening to it ring.

“ _Jerk!_ ” Hashirama’s voice greeted him. Izuna snickered.

“Well that wasn’t very nice.”

“ _You said you would help me set them up! You weren’t supposed to actually show up for dinner!_ ”

“I was hungry,” Izuna protested mildly. He could practically hear Hashirama grinding his teeth through the phone and only just barely managed not to burst in to wild laughter in the lobby of a fancy restaurant.

Clearly the other man did not share his amusement.

“ _Why did you interrupt them!?_ ”

“Because it was funny. No one said I had to make it easy for them.”

Hashirama made indistinct noises of rage and Izuna snickered as he hung up the phone. Just because he knew that Tobirama was his brother’s romantic soulmate did not mean he couldn’t have a little bit of his own fun getting them there.


	4. Of Hiking and Hilarity

As much as Tobirama thought he was going to regret agreeing to this stupid plan it was actually shaping up to be quite a lovely day. So far. Knowing the company he had with him, there was still a very good chance of things going wrong but for once he was choosing to remain positive. Hiking up the mountains at the edge of town hadn’t sounded like a great time when Mito first suggested it but so far it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as he thought it would be.

Madara removing his shirt in an effort to keep cool may have skewed his opinion slightly but no one else had to know that.

What was important was that he had finally managed to get Hashirama and Mito to be in the same place at the same time and they appeared to be getting along fairly well. For whatever reason, she seemed charmed by his chronic stupidity, even seemed to like the way he babbled incessantly about all the new sights he came across as they made their way up the trail. Personally, Tobirama didn’t see what was so amusing about listening to Hashirama point out _every single_ new plant he spotted but if it made the two of them happy he was hardly going to speak up against it.

He himself had spent most of the trip so far poking fun at how quickly Izuna ran out of stamina. The poor guy started the day with an abundance of energy. Now he was huffing and puffing with every breath and his shirt couldn’t get any more soaked if he jumped in to a lake, sweating with exertion in a most unattractive manner. Evidently Izuna wasn’t an outdoors kind of guy. Tobirama could admit that he wasn’t either but at least he worked out on occasion. Izuna’s arms were little more than noodles. The man probably hadn’t seen the inside of a gym since mandatory high school PE.

“Almost to the top,” Tobirama murmured with falsely comforting tones, reaching over to jab his friend in the shoulder. Izuna wilted.

“You mean we’re not there yet? I’m dying!” With a pitiful whine he stumbled closer. “Carry me?”

“Not a fucking chance.”

Behind them, Madara snickered without bothering to muffle the sound. Tobirama peeked over his shoulder to watch and appreciate the sight of that rare smile, so difficult to earn but always so worth it. He dropped his eyes quickly when they met with Madara’s but that only brought his gaze down to the sight of all that bare skin and he had to turn his head forwards again in fear that he might break out in an unwanted blush.

Ever since their almost-private dinner he couldn’t help but keep noticing the other man for some reason. It felt like going through puberty all over again, which was actually quite annoying. Tobirama much preferred his hormones when they did what he wanted them to rather than going haywire at the slightest bit of attention from Madara. It had been a long time since he attempted any sort of relationship, the last one having ended in a rather spectacular failure for which he was mostly to blame, and the idea of trying again still left him a bit hesitant. Finding Hashirama’s romantic soulmate had put a lot of stupidly romantic thoughts in to his head about looking for his own. He wasn’t sure he wanted to get tangled up in something else now when a part of him would forever be distracted with other possibilities.

“We’re here!” Hashirama announced, bounding ahead to the lookout point as they came over the final peak.

“Oh thank god,” Izuna gasped, collapsing to the ground. “Fucking finally. Just leave me here to die.”

Tobirama shook his head, nudged the man with his toe a couple times, then walked away with a shrug. Out here it was survival of the fittest. If Izuna wasn’t fit enough to go on that was hardly anyone else’s fault. He had water in that overstuffed backpack he’d been lugging around the whole day, food too, so obviously he was just more interested in complaining about his problems than solving them. Tobirama ignored him with no guilt, perking up when Madara called him over to point out something in the distance.

On the other side of the lookout Mito smiled while she watched Hashirama dance around a patch of flowers, face lit up with excitement and fingers fumbling for the camera on his cellphone.

“Isn’t this amazing? They’re so rare but just look at this! So many of them all together! I can’t believe it! I tried to plant some in our garden last year but then the neighbor’s dog kept digging up the bulbs and they never sprouted. It was so sad. Don’t you think that’s sad?” He looked up from taking pictures to hit her with a pair of sad puppy eyes and Mito could feel her heart melting in her chest. She would never meet another man more genuine and good than this one right here in front of her.

“Very sad,” she agreed quietly. He nodded vigorously.

“They’re our national flowers, we should plant more of them! But they’re so finicky and hard to grow.”

“I have a space for a garden at my home, though I don’t know very much about growing plants.” Mito offered a demure, inviting smile and watched the light go on in Hashirama’s eyes as he took the bait just as easily as she thought he might.

“Really? I could teach you, if you like! Gardening is fun!”

Lowering her eyes for a moment, she looked up at him through her lashes. “I would enjoy that very much.”

Hashirama stared back at her with a stunned expression that went straight to her ego. Twin spots of pink appeared on his cheeks and he physically shook his head before giving a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his head shyly. If her suspicions were right then Tobirama had been inviting her to hang out in the hopes of helping her get to know his brother, whom she very strongly believed to be her soulmate. She just needed him to see that. Unexpectedly, however, it appeared that Hashirama either had a bit of a shy streak when it came to women or he found her somewhat intimidating.

That happened frequently, actually. Mito’s natural confidence had cost her more than one potential date.

“Perhaps next weekend?” she asked, trying to push only gently. Hashirama beamed at her.

“Sure! Yeah, that sounds fine!” His feet danced seemingly unconsciously as he talked, taking him on a circuit around his patch of flowers before making a bee-line for his brother. “I should just check with Tobirama because I think he might have had something planned for us to do next weekend but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I went out with you instead – I meant went to hang out with you! I don’t mean–! I would never presume–! ACK!”

“Hashirama!” Mito’s horrified cry drew the others’ attention just in time for all of them to watch Hashirama stumble off the edge of the lookout point, walking backwards without watching where he was going.

A muffled thud sounded at the same time as a sharp cry of pain and Mito, Tobirama, and Madara all threw themselves down to peer over the edge. Hashirama lay five feet below them, lips peeled back in a grimace of pain even as he lifted one hand to wave to them all that he was fine.

“Uh…I fell,” he called up.

“No shit,” Tobirama called back in a flat tone. Hashirama shifted, winced, and went perfectly still.

“I don’t mean to ruin the mood or anything but I think I broke my ankle…so…”

Tobirama hung his head and Madara groaned in exasperation.

“Piggyback?” Hashirama suggested sheepishly.

“I asked first!” Izuna hollered from where he was only just struggling up off his patch of ground.

Mito spared a moment to glare at him until he lifted both hands in surrender and then returned her worried gaze to where Hashirama seemed to be grimly studying the exact angle of his snapped ankle. Underneath the pain he didn’t seem too worried, as though this were an everyday occurrence of little note. Tobirama had tried to tell her about how clumsy the man was but she’d thought her new friend to be exaggerating. Apparently he hadn’t been.

“Keep still, we’ll come down and get you.” Madara was rolling his eyes but he, at least, looked like he was suppressing a worried frown. It was good to know the man wasn’t as heartless as he tried to present himself.

Despite repeated warnings not to move Hashirama was all but wriggling in place by the time his brother and best friend managed to climb down to his side, wincing and giving off miserable little noises every time he jarred his leg. Madara had to whack him around the head to get him to keep still so Tobirama could craft a makeshift splint out of some sticks and strips torn off of discarded shirts. 

“You’re replacing these clothes,” he warned his brother even as he tore his own shirt in to equal lengths. Mito noticed Madara very conspicuously not looking over at him while they worked together to secure the splint.

“I didn’t _mean_ to fall,” Hashirama protested. Tobirama snorted.

“Just like you didn’t mean to hit your head last week and you didn’t mean to sprain your wrist last month. You never mean to get hurt and yet you always find a way. Come on, let’s get you up.” Once they had Hashirama upright and leaning against Madara for support, Tobirama looked around with a frown. “I think it’ll probably be easier to lower you down from here than it would be to try and haul you back up. Madara, wait here with him. I’ll get down a bit farther and then you can pass him down to me.”

“Right.”

Tobirama nodded and began looking around for the easiest way to climb back down to the actual path so they weren’t hanging off the edge of the cliff face anymore. As he clambered around the rocks he called up above himself.

“Get hydrated, Izuna, we’re all going to need to take turns hauling this idiot back down the fucking mountain.”

“Uh…I don’t think you want me to touch him,” Izuna grumbled, delicately holding his arms away from himself and standing almost as though he were trying not to make contact with his own clothing. Tobirama flashed an irritated glare upwards. If his hands weren’t so busy he might have shaken a threatening fist.

“Don’t even think about it. You don’t get to be lazy while the rest of us haul six feet of whiny _baby_ around on our backs. You’re taking your turns too!”

“No I mean, uh, I’m pretty sure I was just lying in poison ivy.” Izuna sighed despondently as everyone paused to look at him. “I’m gonna hate this, aren’t I?”

Mito reached out to pat him on the shoulder but thought the better of it at the last second. “You are,” she confirmed. Tobirama made a disgusted noise, doing his best to ignore Hashirama when the fool began to ramble about his own terrible experience with poison ivy. The two of them shared enough bad memories from family camping trips.

It took fifteen minutes just to get Hashirama back down on to the actual path, lowering him bit by bit in small stages with Madara and Tobirama crawling down and passing the man between themselves. He tried his best to help where he was able, using his arms to hold what weight he could on nearby ledges and branches, but the bulk of the work still fell to his two rescuers. Once they had him on solid ground again they took a short break so that Izuna and Mito could walk down the proper way to meet them, sharing a bottle of water between the three of them while they waited.

Tobirama took the first turn carrying Hashirama. He lasted ten minutes before the constant chatter in his ear almost encouraged him to drop the poor idiot to the ground and leave him there. Madara took him for a while but threatened to muzzle him if he didn’t shut the hell up.

Since Izuna didn’t want to touch anything in case he transferred oils from the poison ivy, Mito called for an ambulance to meet them at the base of the trail. The paramedic gave Izuna a strange look when he asked if they could decontaminate him somehow but they did give him a shock blanket to sit on while they drove home since he hadn’t brought anything like a tarp or a sheet – and because Madara threatened to make him walk home rather than let him touch the interior of his car.

Watching the ambulance drive away with Hashirama in the back, Madara sighed and looked over at Tobirama.

“I’ll meet you at the hospital. Just have to drop him off first.” He jerked one thumb over his should at Izuna, who grumbled something about taking seven showers in a row because he was already feeling itchy.

Tobirama nodded wordlessly, busy wondering if he should start keeping a tally of how many times a year Hashirama hurt himself. With an absent, “See you there,” and a wave to Mito he slid in to his car and dropped his head against the steering wheel. In his next life he hoped to come back as some sort of fish so he could find a lonely patch of ocean somewhere and live by himself, never to worry about the trials and pitfalls of getting his brother together with the one he was destined to be with. If Hashirama kept messing up his plans like this he was prepared to wash his hands of the whole business and just let them figure it out on their own.


	5. Of Courage And Coffee

Mito hated hospitals. It always bothered her how little comfort there was to be found in a place built specifically to house the sick and dying. From the moment she hurried in through the main entrance doors her nose was assaulted with the heavy smell of chemicals, her ears with the sound of distant coughing. The very atmosphere around her felt dour and hopeless until she finally deciphered the garbled directions given to her by a nurse and made her way to where Hashirama sat waiting.

A single glimpse of his smile, undimmed by the pain in his ankle or the general hospital vibe around him, was enough to brighten her mood. It felt rather like shaking off a coat of dust. Mito felt the knots in her stomach unravel as she stood in the doorway and watched him wave off his little brother’s concerns. Though he didn’t look particularly worried anymore, Tobirama did seem wrapped up in his usual irritation, clearly not happy to be here and just as clearly unimpressed with Hashirama’s blasé attitude about it all. Or maybe he was just tired and cranky from hauling a fully grown man down the side of a mountain not half an hour ago. Someone should probably get him some food and a coffee.

Not her, though. Mito was certain not even a freight train could haul her out of the room at the moment. It was strange to feel so connected to a man she barely knew but there was something she couldn’t define that strengthened her suspicions about why Tobirama seemed so adamant they all spend time together.

Her train of thought paused when Hashirama looked over and spotted her there, lighting up impossibly brighter.

“You didn’t have to come!” he chirped. Then he fluttered both hands and gaped at her as though horrified by his own words. “B-but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want you to! Of course I’m happy you’re here! Well not happy, this is a hospital, I’m sure none of us are happy to be here but – oh dear.” His entire body drooped until she could almost visualize a dark little rain cloud hanging above his head. It was one of the most adorable things she had ever seen. Tobirama, on the other hand, was shaking his head with exasperation.

“Such an idiot. It’s going to be a while before the doctor can prepare your cast; would you just sit still? Please?” He ran one hand through his hair and looked up at Mito with pleading eyes. She took pity on him only because it was to her benefit.

Making her way over to the bedside, she patted her new friend on the arm and turned him towards the door, saying, “I was _just_ thinking you could use a bit of coffee to get some energy back. Why don’t you head on down to the cafeteria? Like you said, we’re going to be here for a while. I’m sure your brother will still be right here once you’ve refueled a little.” She offered him a smile as genuine as she could make it and sidled a bit closer to the bed.

Glancing down at his brother one more time, Tobirama snorted and turned away without another word. Mito bit down on the taste of triumph, making sure they were truly alone before turning her smile down to Hashirama; it was so much easier to make a genuine expression for him. He was so sweet, so kind, and if he weren’t so clumsy she would call him the perfect example of a gentleman in modern times. Hashirama was the most _human_ person she had ever met. She had felt drawn to him even before they met just from listening to Tobirama talk about him.

“Can I get you anything to make you more comfortable?” she asked. Hashirama beamed.

“No I’m okay but that’s very kind of you!”

“Your brother seemed most insistent that we meet, you know.” Her fingers traced the edges of the bed’s metal railing, drifting closer to its occupant on each pass back and forth. “From the moment we met he seemed to think that you and I would get along quite well. I have to admit that he’s right. I find you very intriguing, Hashirama.”

His cheeks flushed and his eyes dropped bashfully but he was quick to recover, laughing with delight. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me! I guess I really owe Tobi for this then. You’re amazing, Mito! Well, I mean, you’re an amazing person! And you seem really great! And pretty! Uh, maybe I shouldn’t have said that. You’re not great _because_ you’re pretty, it’s just that you’re both and – I’m doing it again.” Hashirama dropped his face in to both hands, hiding his suddenly scarlet cheeks while Mito laughed in delight.

It took a couple of tries to pry his fingers away but when she did manage to she did not let go of them, holding them in her own and leaning close enough to distinguish the black of Hashirama’s pupils from the beautiful dark brown of his irises, like liquid velvet, so full of emotions and so unashamedly open.

“Thank you,” she told him sincerely. It was far from the first time anyone had complimented her beauty, though it was the first time in a long time that anyone had done so without the intention of getting something from her in return. As obvious as it was that Hashirama felt the same draw she did, he never once presumed anything. Mito was used to men demanding dates from her as though she owed them something simply because they considered her beautiful, as though her beauty in any way belonged to them, but Hashirama was different. It was hard to imagine Hashirama demanding anything so crude from anyone.

“I can’t seem to find my words around you,” he mumbled sheepishly. Mito gave his hands a light squeeze and leaned forward to grace him with a peck on the cheek as well.

“And that is the sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to _me_.” She waited until he was looking her in the eye again, adorably startled by her honest words, then spoke in a much softer voice. “I think your brother brought us together for a reason, Hashirama. May I kiss you? I have a feeling we’ll be doing quite a bit of that in the future.” It was gratifying to watch his eyes go wide with wonder.

Just outside the room, Tobirama paused and wrinkled his nose in distaste. Coffee had been a wonderful idea and he was grateful to be so close to the cafeteria but he hardly expected to return to the sounds of his brother making out with Mito. As glad as he was that he would now be off the hook for all future endeavors to get them together, he still didn’t need to hear this kind of thing. Hashirama was a really wet kisser. Tobirama very much wished he didn’t know that little detail.

He did find it within him to smile as Hashirama’s voice began to babble about soulmates and how happy he was. No matter how tired and irritated he had been just a moment ago, all the trouble he had gone to over the past few days seemed more than worth it to see his older brother so happy. Even Mito’s cheerful laughter made him smile just that much wider. She seemed a sensible woman with the potential to be a great friend and his hope was that she would be a buffer against the worst of Hashirama’s inane stupidity, a bit of sanity to balance out the ridiculousness her new soulmate found himself wrapped up in all too often.

Content with a job well done and the situation out of his hands now, Tobirama turned to leave, allowing them a bit of privacy for this special moment. He was stopped when Hashirama spoke once more from inside the room, as boisterously loud as always.

“This is amazing! Now all I need to do is get Tobi together with _his_ soulmate and everything will be perfect!”

Tobirama stopped in his tracks, his overactive brain immediately dissecting that one sentence for all possible meanings. Did Hashirama know who his soulmate was? Had he been dropping any hints lately that might have been overlooked? Scanning through the past few months, Tobirama couldn’t think of anyone new who had come in to their lives.

All he could think about was Madara standing at the peak of the mountain with sunshine haloed around his hair, sweat dripping down his temples and a grin of triumph splitting his lips. The older man certainly made for a tempting image no matter what he was doing but with Hashirama’s words in his head Tobirama was more conflicted than ever about his growing attachment. Madara was supposed to be no more than a blip on his radar, just one of Hashirama’s friend. He wasn’t supposed to catch Tobirama’s attention just when it seemed like his romantic soulmate may have finally shown up.

Frustrated, confused, and now back to feeling just a little bit bitchy, Tobirama jerked the door of Hashirama’s room open with the heel of his palm, watching Mito draw back languidly and lick her lips  as though she’d been drinking from the fountain of youth itself.

“Gross,” he snarled at her. Hashirama beamed and flailed with the arm that was not still clinging to Mito’s wrist for dear life.

“Tobi! Tobi! We figured it out! We’re soulmates, right!?” A simple relieved nod was all the answer he needed. “Yes! I knew it! Tobi, we’re _soulmates_! I can hardly believe it!”

His enthusiasm was more catching than expected and Tobirama found himself smiling despite his ill humor. “Congratulations to you both,” he told them softly. Mito offered him a quick smile but her attention was quick to return to the man clinging to her arm, affection clear in her eyes. Theirs appeared to be a well-made match even if they seemed an unconventional pair.

Less than twenty minutes later Tobirama was already sick of being in their presence and ducked out for more coffee. Hopefully they were able to get his brother’s cast on soon so they could all go home. Maybe after he’d had a little time alone – away from the happy new couple – he might be able to sort out how he felt about his own situation. Unfortunately it seemed like some time away wasn’t available to him quite yet. He very nearly lost his fresh cup of precious caffeine when the door opened again and smacked him right in the ass, pitching him forward so he almost tossed eight ounces of hot liquid across Hashirama’s lap.

“Oh shit, sorry,” Madara’s voice rumbled.

“You would have been,” Tobirama growled back. After righting himself he turned to see the other man shrugging easily and holding out what looked like a purple t-shirt.

“Keep giving me sass and I won’t let you wear my clothes. I see someone gave you some kind of hospital crap to wear. Bet you’d rather have this.” Madara grinned and waggled the soft looking material back and forth until Tobirama snatched it away with a petulant frown. Then he choked on nothing as Tobirama tore off the faded blue gown a kind nurse had given him and pulled on the borrowed shirt right there in the room with them all.

In an effort to hide his rapidly darkening cheeks, Madara stormed over and snatched up the coffee Tobirama had set aside. As soon as he had taken a sip he was greeted with a pair of murderous red eyes and regretted his actions. Hashirama gave some thought to intervening but, really, if they were going to learn how to love each other then Madara was going to need to learn that he should never deprive Tobirama of his coffee. And, if nothing else, the screaming match did provide a bit of entertainment for them all until the doctor finally had time to see to his leg.


	6. Of Movies and Mayhem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I do mean mayhem ;)

The smell of over-buttered popcorn and cinnamon assaulted his nose the moment Madara stepped in to the Senju brothers’ house, two scents that absolutely should never go together in his opinion. His face scrunched up with distaste as he let his sibling walk ahead of him towards the living room just in case that terrible mixture of smells heralded some kind of messy doom for the home’s inhabitants.

Luckily the cinnamon turned out to be nothing more than a few candles scattered around the place, small touches of Mito’s growing influence as she made herself more and more comfortable with her new partner. Hashirama sat in his favorite armchair with his cast propped up on a footstool, one arm around the woman tucked in to his side and the other buried in a massive bowl of popcorn which nearly spilled in his hurry to wave when he spotted the two newcomers.

“Everyone’s here now, Tobi!” he called, head craning to the side and projecting his voice down the hall. “Time to stop being antisocial!”

“I’m not anti-social!” Tobirama’s voice hollered back with great offence.

“He’s been writing up notes for some sort of research project he wants to do all day. I barely got him to come out for lunch.” Hashirama shook his head and Madara rolled his eyes. Personally he would have enjoyed living with someone independent enough to do their own thing instead of clinging to him for entertainment at all hours of the day but he wasn’t about to mention such a thing to his best friend. Hashirama was the clingiest person he had ever met; he definitely would not understand.

Tobirama looked tired when he stomped down the hall, scanning the living room for a place to sit. The only option available was the couch since his massive demon of a cat was napping in the other armchair and even Tobirama knew better than to disturb that creature’s sleep. As soon as he flopped down on one end of the couch Madara experienced a small panic attack.

He wanted to sit next to Tobirama but he also didn’t want to be obvious about it. What he needed was for Izuna to sit on the other end and leave him no other choices but to sit where he truly wanted to. Izuna, however, had made himself comfortable leaning over the back of the couch to bother Tobirama about something. Madara was all too aware that the longer he stood off to the side without moving the more suspicious he would look and he couldn’t help flashing his sibling a quick glare as he gingerly lowered himself on to the couch, sparing a sigh for the unwanted distance and then turning away before anyone could spot him.

“Alright! Who’s ready for movie night?” Hashirama grinned and struggled to rise until Mito gently pressed him back down in to his chair.

“Let me, dear.” He sent her a besotted look while she made her way to the DVD player and held up the small stack of options. “Does anyone have a preference?”

“No romance!” Izuna mock-shouted, cupping both hands around his mouth like a megaphone.

“Agreed,” Tobirama grumbled. “All of those belong to Hashirama and – brother I do love you but you’ve got terrible taste in romance. So mushy.” He shuddered as though mushy romance were the most disgusting thing in the world. Madara would have been peripherally insulted if he didn’t agree on that stance. Emotions were for feeling and not for showing.

Mito rifled through the stack she was holding and lifted one out of the middle. “Action movie it is, then.”

Izuna clambered over the back of the couch and slid down between the two men already there, ostentatiously leaning in to Tobirama’s side with a pointed leer towards Madara until Tobirama violently shoved him away.

“Does anyone want any popcorn?” Hashirama leaned over the arm of his chair as he asked, holding out the large bowl he’d been munching from on the off chance he could tempt someone else in to sharing his snack.

Madara saw the disaster almost before it happened, saw Hashirama tip his weight too far forward and begin to topple over. He watched with a muted sort of horror as the idiot let go of the bowl to catch himself, knocking his cast against the side of his chair with a loud _thunk_ and a pained yell, then nearly every voice in the room cried out as the popcorn hit the floor. Little white balls of buttered goodness exploded in every direction, each creating their own little shiny stains as they rolled across the carpet.

“Brother!” Tobirama snarled, leaping up to grab a broom.

“It was an accident!” Hashirama shouted back, rubbing ineffectually at the outside of his cast. He pouted until Mito patted him affectionately on the top of his head.

“We’ll clean it up,” she assured him.

They could all hear Tobirama grumbling that Hashirama should clean up the messes he made himself, although it was clear he had no intentions of enforcing that. Whether he felt bad for making a man with a cast move around so much or if he was just too impatient to wait for Hashirama to fumble slowly through the cleanup, either way he was quick to roll all the bits of popcorn in to a dustpan and spray the carpet with some sort of cleaner to stop the grease from setting in.

“You might as well just start the movie,” he groused.

“We can wait until you’re finished,” Hashirama insisted. Tobirama glared at his sibling.

“Just start the damn thing. I’ll listen while I scrub the carpet.”

“Okay.” Hashirama wilted and curled in to Mito’s side when she slid back on to the arm of his chair, pouting against her shoulder but doing as suggested.

Seeing an opportunity, Izuna slumped over sideways in to the space left empty by Tobirama, stretching out to his legs to place his feet in his brother’s lap. Madara glared and shoved his feet away just as Tobirama has shoved him away before. He got a rude noise in return before they were both distracted by the sound of the opening credits.

By the time the carpet had been scrubbed well enough that there could be no fear of butter stains, Izuna had made himself plenty comfortable in the corner of the couch using the arm rest as a pillow, all curled up like a kid watching Saturday morning cartoons. Madara was shoving his feet away for the twelfth time when Tobirama finally returned. The younger man stood over both of them with folded arms and quite an impressive glare, obviously irritated to have lost his spot.

“Get up you lazy sod.”

“But I’m comfy,” Izuna whined. “Just sit on Madara or something.” Interestingly, Tobirama turned several shades of red before he was able to yell.

“I am not sitting on Madara’s lap! Move!”

With a roll of his eyes Izuna magnanimously curled his legs a little tighter to give the other man some room – only just enough that Tobirama would have to sit with his side firmly pressed up against Madara. And the moment Tobirama had gingerly settled himself down in the space given Izuna stretched his legs out across both of them again. Madara gave in to his violent urges and pinched the toe closest to him as hard as he could.

Tobirama cried out in pain when Izuna reflexively jerked his knee up in to the poor man’s chin.

Several minutes passed in a rapid flurry of events, all if it accompanied by Hashirama’s worried voice incessantly asking if Tobirama was _really_ okay. Madara wasn’t entirely sure what had happened but when things finally settled Izuna had been relegated to sitting on the floor next to the demonic cat. Hashirama had wobbled his way over to the couch to check on his not-actually-injured baby brother. Mito, of course, had followed her soulmate and plastered herself back to his side again. Without any space to himself Madara was left with only the now-vacated armchair to sit in. He frowned, wondering how he had gotten so far away from the one person he wanted to sit next to.

He was slightly mollified by how poorly Tobirama was taking his brother’s worry, repeatedly trying to escape only to be pulled back down to have his chin inspected yet again. It had only been a light bump, more jarring than anything when his teeth clacked together, but one would think he was grievously injured from the fuss Hashirama was kicking up.

“I have no idea what’s going on in this movie,” Izuna grumbled, wincing just after when Hashirama whipped around to give him a hard stare.

“Well maybe if you hadn’t beaten up my little brother!”

“Anija, he hardly beat me up. It was an accident.”

“But Tobi!”

“Movie night was _your_ idea,” Tobirama reminded him. “Maybe you should shut up so we can actually watch more than thirty seconds of whatever the hell is going on.” He groaned in exasperation when Hashirama stuck out his tongue like a child.

Cautiously, Madara spoke up from his spot across the room. “If he’s bothering you I don’t mind switching seats again.”

“I only just got comfortable.” As soon as Mito stuck out her bottom lip in a graceful pout it was obvious that they would not be going anywhere. Hashirama fell all over himself assuring her that she wouldn’t have to move unless she wanted to. Madara was too busy huffing with annoyance to notice that Tobirama was making the exact same expression.

“Whatever. I’m gonna…go get a drink.”

Heaving himself up out of the armchair, Madara retreated to the kitchen where he could sulk in relative privacy and not have to deal with Izuna’s knowing glances. Just for something to do he wandered over to the fridge and stuck his head inside to see if there was anything he might want. All he found was a bottle of orange juice and a carton of milk turned at such an angle he could clearly see that it expired two weeks ago. Whoever let two grown Senju men live on their own was either stupid or just wanted to see how long it would take before they killed themselves through sheer absentmindedness.

Not particularly a fan of orange juice, Madara stood up and wandered over to the pantry to see if there was any wine. He had only just closed his fingers around a rather nice bottle of red when he heard the door open again and turned at the sound of footsteps, ready to frown just in case it was Izuna come to make fun of him for running away.

It was not Izuna.

“Pour some for me too?” Tobirama asked, clearly in need of a little stress relief. Madara swallowed thickly. The man’s hair was even messier than usual and it gave him a stupidly distracting rumpled look.

“Shouldn’t you be watching the movie?”

“Ugh. Brother decided he wanted to _snuggle_. I think I escaped just before Mito was about to ask me to leave. As if I wasn’t sitting there first!” Stomping over towards the cupboards, he wrenched one open and Madara could hear him as he continued to mumble under his breath. “Was living here first too. She’s not his only soulmate. Just because she’s his _romantic_ half. Ugh. I should get to hang out with my own brother without having to watch them suck on each other’s faces every five minutes.”

Madara hid inside the pantry for a few more moments until he was sure he wouldn’t burst out in a fit of unmanly giggles. He almost certainly was going to have a similar reaction when he eventually found Izuna’s romantic soulmate but that wasn’t going to stop him from laughing at Tobirama’s plight. Sympathy was for suckers. When the coast was clear and he was sure he wouldn’t be making a fool of himself Madara backed out of the pantry and marched over to cabinet where all the wine glasses were on display.

“You said you wanted some, right?”

“Please. I’m going to need it. Twenty bucks says if I look in to the living room right now I’ll see them making out all over the spot on the couch where I’m supposed to sit back down.”

Lifting one eyebrow like he’d just accepted his own challenge, Tobirama backed up towards the doorway and cracked the door open. Madara watched him with a lingering smile before fiddling with the cabinet. There was a trick to opening the stupid thing but he could never remember what it was. Should he pull to the left? Was he supposed to push up and then pull? Why didn’t Hashirama just buy a display cabinet that didn’t swell shut every time the seasons changed?

Ignoring his companion’s struggles, Tobirama peered through the door and scanned the living room, twisting his mouth in surprise when he noted that his brother was not actually anywhere near Mito. She wasn’t even in the room; probably gone to the bathroom or something. He made a quick mental note to add her to his shit list for whining about not wanting to get up and then doing so not even five minutes later. Even more surprising, Hashirama seemed to have forgiven Izuna his transgressions and was engaged in very excited conversation with the younger man. Tobirama figured it was only prudent that he turn a suspicious ear to their conversation, keeping one eye out for Madara to make sure he wouldn’t be interrupted.

“But if you _know_ then why aren’t you _helping_!?” Hashirama was saying. Izuna’s voice cackled.

“It’s funny! Don’t be so uptight, they’ll get together eventually.”

“Haven’t they waited long enough? At this point they’ll never figure it out!”

Izuna huffed with impatience. “Oh for god’s sake they’re soulmates. Soulmates always find a way together. What, you think I would actually sabotage my brother’s chance for happiness? I’m not that big of a dick!”

Leaning forward to gently press the door shut again, Tobirama deliberately forced his lungs to draw another breath. It didn’t help. Shock rippled through him and weakened his knees, forcing him to keep his balance by leaning harder against the door, eyes locked on to Madara across the kitchen.

“Ha! OW!”

Tobirama watched with wide eyes as Madara finally managed to unstick the cupboard door only to have it jerk back and crash in to his forehead. With Izuna’s words playing over and over again in his mind he stared at the man dancing around his kitchen with both hands clapped to his hairline and thought, ‘ _That is the rest of my life right there._ ’


	7. Of Motley Crews and Shocking News

Hashirama was asleep by the time the credits were rolling, snoring up at the ceiling with his head dropped against the back of the couch. It was hard to tell whether or not the ruckus bothered Mito as she too had fallen asleep all curled up in his arms. Her slighter stature against his massive frame looked rather like a grown man cuddling an oversized teddy bear – albeit a very pretty teddy bear.

Although the demonic cat had long deigned to give up its perch on the armchair Izuna lay passed out on the floor in front of it, head resting on the seat cushion with what remained of the second batch of popcorn loosely balanced in his lap. Tobirama eyed the teetering bowl and gave some thought to rescuing it but that would have required moving and he was decidedly against moving so much as an inch from the spot he had somehow found himself in. If time stopped and he could stretch this moment out in to forever, it would certainly not be a bad moment to choose.

He wasn’t sure how Madara ended up sharing the armchair with him. Maybe it was just that neither of them much wanted to go anywhere near the too-happy couple spread out on the couch. Actually, now that he thought about it, that was probably why. Still, having Madara pressed up against his side like a living bonfire and murmuring commentary on the movie in his ear for the past hour had been the most pleasant torture he had ever endured.

Now the movie was over and everyone else was asleep. It was the perfect time to bring up the conversation he’d been waiting for ever since he overheard Izuna earlier. The only problem was that he was too comfy to move.

“Do you ever worry he’ll drown in his own drool?” Madara asked, voice quiet and rumbling, breath ghosting across Tobirama’s ear like a lover’s caress. It took a great deal of effort not to shiver violently.

“No,” he whispered back. “If that was a danger he would have done so years ago.”

“Is there any more wine in the pantry?”

“Probably.” Tobirama frowned, sensing that Madara was about to disturb their little cocoon of warmth, but his displeasure did nothing to dim the smile on his companion’s face.

Madara’s grin was a little sloppy after four glasses. Still pretty, though. His body wriggled in all sorts of interesting ways as he fought his way out of the armchair. It was fairly large but it still wasn’t meant to hold two grown men and their hips had wedged together fairly tightly between the two sides. If he were any braver he might have revisited Izuna’s suggestion earlier that one of them perch across the other’s lap. Unfortunately he was not brave enough to risk that Madara would have any interest in him before having the whole ‘soulmates’ conversation.

Why did flirting and the like have to be so complicated?

As soon as Madara wrenched himself free and wobbled towards the kitchen Tobirama scrunched his nose against the cold sensation in the right half of his body, unsure if he was missing the heat or the man more. It took only one look around at the rest of their motley crew to convince him to get up and follow. Unless he was going to pop in another movie there was little point in hanging around and listening to the chorus of snoring. Besides, he could just as easily watch Netflix on his laptop in the comfort of his own room if that was what he was after.

He found Madara struggling with the cork he had wedged back in too far after his last glass, muttering curse words under his breath when the stubborn thing wouldn’t come out again. It was stupidly endearing to watch him frown and tell the bottle it was being a jerk.

“I need to talk to you about something,” Tobirama blurted before giving it much thought. Madara paused in his efforts to blink owlishly at him.

“Oh?”

“Just, uh, not here. Come on.” Snatching the bottle away, he set it on the counter and took hold of Madara’s wrist instead to pull him down the hallway. If anyone woke up while they were having their little chat then he would prefer not to be interrupted before they at least got to the important bits – or in case Madara was gracious enough to let Tobirama kiss him.

Seeing the curious expression, he allowed Madara a few moments to look around after shutting them in to his bedroom, following the path of his gaze to see which things he seemed to focus on. The neatly made bed earned a smile, the over-stuffed bookcase a raised eyebrow. The scale replica of the SS Enterprise tucked away in the corner of one shelf made him snort. If Tobirama weren’t perfectly fine with his own geeky nature he might have taken offense to that. It wasn’t his fault science was _cool._

Finally he decided that Madara had looked enough and cleared his throat to draw the man’s attention. He cracked a smile of his own at the slightly guilty look he received, easily waving it away before stepping closer.

“I overheard our brothers talking earlier while we were in the kitchen. It’s so rare for anyone to be related to their platonic soulmate, haven’t you ever wondered at the fact that we’re both matched to our siblings that way?” Tobirama gave his companion a significant look, to which Madara only shrugged.

“No, I never really thought about it.”

“Well I did and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Do you know what I overheard?”

Madara tilted his head but said nothing, giving Tobirama time to slowly take in a deep breath before saying words he never dreamed he would be able to say to this man.

“They believe we’re soulmates.”

“WHAT!?”

“Keep it _down_ ,” Tobirama hissed. “Don’t wake them all up or we’ll have all three of them in here to witness this conversation! I don’t know about you but I would rather have a little privacy!”

“But you just said–!”

“I know what I said!”

Madara stared at him, eyes wide and unblinking to the point that Tobirama began to worry they would dry out. His jaw opened and shut rapidly several times. Finally, just when Tobirama was considering backing off to give him the space to think, he snapped out of it with a wild shake of his head and a noise that sounded like every letter of the alphabet coming out all at once.

“You think we’re soulmates!?” he cried, his volume notably lower than before. Tobirama nodded slowly.

“That’s what I believe they said. I’m sure I heard correctly.”

“But we’ve known each other for ages. Wouldn’t they have been, you know, trying to tell us somehow?”

With a roll of his eyes, Tobirama murmured, “Evidently Izuna seemed to think it was _funny_ to crash any plans Hashirama tried to make with him.”

“I’ll kill him. I’ll strangle the little rat!”

“Hashirama, I’m not sure about. I’d like to think I would notice if he were trying to…to…oh.” Pausing to sigh, he rubbed tiredly at the bridge of his nose. “I did think it was strange for him to be setting me up on a blind date. And how convenient that you just happened to be there as well. Seated at the next table. Also stood up.”

Madara gnashed his teeth together. “Izuna. He interrupted on purpose!”

“For now, can we agree that we’re related to some very suspect morons and just set it aside for a bit? There are much more important matters we should be discussing.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, like whether or not you’re okay with this.”

He was almost startled by the way Madara reeled back in shock at his words. “W-why would I not be?” The question left him feeling awkward, like a little boy with his very first crush. He only barely resisted the urge to drop his eyes to the side with embarrassment as he answered.

“It’s not that I thought you wouldn’t be okay with it. I just haven’t noticed any enthusiasm for the idea, really. What I mean is – ugh. Look. If you’re not interested, that’s fine.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Madara growled. Tobirama would have snapped back at him with his usual scathing retort if not for the hands that twisted in to his collar and dragged him down to where Madara could tilt his own chin up and crash their lips together. Had he ever noticed how adorable it was that Madara was so much shorter than him? If he wanted to he could have tucked the man under his own chin – and that was definitely not what he should be thinking about while they share what was hopefully only the first kiss.

Evidently his partner noticed how distracted he was. Tobirama snickered a little at the insistent tug on his collar, reaching up to cover those hands with his own and draw his thumb across warm skin soothingly. Then he tilted his head ever so slightly to find a better angle and gave Madara the kiss he so obviously wanted. He would have been smug about the toe-curling groan he managed to drag out of the other man if not for the sound he made which almost perfectly echoed it. At least they were even, he thought distractedly as they slowly pulled away from each other.

Then he jerked upright with a gasp when Madara smacked him in the face – gently, but it was still a smack.

“Dumbass! I wanted you _before_ I knew we were soulmates!”

“Oh. Really?”

“Are you blind!? Yes! Would I have let anyone else away with their life after watching me smash myself in the head like that earlier?”

Smiling freely with relief, Tobirama brushed his fingers over Madara’s forehead, sweeping the fringe aside. “How are you, by the way? No more ouchies?”

“Fuck you. I’m fine.”

“Alright, alright. Forgive a man for worrying about his soulmate.” Tobirama smirked when, as he’d thought, Madara melted at his words. He graciously decided against saying anything about it, choosing instead to wind his arms around his new partner and hold him close.

Tobirama was still working up the courage to go in for a second kiss when they both stiffened at the sound of a loud thump from the living room. Without moving they turned their heads to the doorway and listened to Izuna’s hysterical laughter, accompanied by Mito’s softer voice murmuring indistinctly in a soothing manner. By context clues alone Tobirama could already tell what happened. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time Hashirama had fallen asleep on the couch and then rolled off. Really the only thing to worry about was whether he had disturbed his cast or not.

He did worry a little when Hashirama’s booming voice wondered where the two of them had gotten to. Once someone checked the kitchen there wasn’t that many other options for where they could be hiding. Very briefly he wondered if the others would leave them be if he and Madara laid down in the bed and pretended to sleep. He discarded the idea almost as soon as he thought of it. None of them had that much mercy in their souls.

“In here, Anija,” he called, already exhausted just at the thought of how his brother was going to react. Madara twitched in his arms.

“What are you doing!?”

“They’ll find us in a minute anyway; we might as well face the music now.” Tobirama shrugged and then smiled when his soulmate eyes the window with a very serious expression. “I wouldn’t if I were you. Hashirama planted a thorny rosebush under that window in my first year of college.”

“Uh…why?”

“I kept sneaking out to go back to the library for more books.”

Madara was silent but there was a truly impressive amount of judgement in his stare.

“Tell you what,” Tobirama offered in a pacifying tone. “How about I do all the explaining?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sure, that’d be nice.”

Madara shrugged unsuspectingly as footsteps approached the room, prompting Tobirama to nod once in satisfaction. Then he dipped his partner backwards and stole that second kiss he’d been thinking about just as the door swung open.

He’d never said he was going to explain with words.


	8. Of Pettiness and Perfection

“So.” Tobirama switched his beer to the opposite hand so he could tuck himself more firmly against Madara’s side. “Where is your platonic soulmate, Mito?”

The woman in question looked away from where she had been gazing across the backyard with an utterly soppy look on her face. It was actually kind of disgusting how someone with so much poise could dissolve in to an absolute puddle whenever left to think about Hashirama for more a minute at a time. She lifted one eyebrow in such a manner that Tobirama could practically smell the revenge brewing inside her imagination.

“My good friend Kurenai. She and I have had _words_ since my discovery and it turns out she knew exactly who my romantic soulmate was and never once tried to get us together. As I understand it, she met Hashirama when her husband was in the hospital, got to know him, and made the decision on her own that I would never see anything worthwhile in this man.” Mito’s eyes flashed dangerously. “I have made my opinions on that decision quite clear to her already.”

“Do tell how you managed that?” Madara peered curiously over the top of Tobirama’s pale spikes.

“I told her that Hashirama was very interested in studying the raccoon who made a nest under her porch. All she had to do was chase him out for us.”

Mito sipped delicately at her beer while Madara winced and Tobirama gave a low whistle, proud of his sister-in-law’s vicious retribution. “Bodily harm,” he muttered. “I would approve but Madara would give me the stink eye for it.” As soon as he said it he squirmed as Madara pinched his side in warning.

“Yes, you seem to have gone down the route of psychological torture instead,” she noted. Madara straightened in his seat, making Tobirama grumble. He’d only just gotten comfortable.

“Say what now? What did you do?” He wasn’t half as scary as he thought he was with that narrow-eyed glare but he did have one thing he could hang over Tobirama’s head to get his own way: sex. Tobirama was much more afraid of his sex life being disrupted than anything else his partner could threaten him with. He shrugged smoothly and cuddled in again, widening his eyes for an innocent look.

“All I did was send them to out to buy a flux capacitor to fix my car.”

Covering her mouth with one hand, Mito turned away to giggle. Madara looked back and forth between them with a great deal of suspicion, turning that over and over in his mind, trying to find what was so funny about that statement.

“There’s nothing wrong with your car,” he said finally.

“No, there isn’t.”

“What’s a flux capacitor?”

“There is no such thing as a flux capacitor.”

Madara scrunched up his entire face with confusion. “You sent them out to buy something that doesn’t exist?”

“Yes. And you know how stubbornly Anija believes in everything I tell him. If I say a flux capacitor exists he is going to ignore whatever the shopkeeper tells him and he is going to visit every single store from here to the other end of the city trying to find me one.” Sipping at his beer, Tobirama smirked. “Izuna probably figured it out by the second store.”

“And Hashirama will still drag him around to every store insisting that he’s right.” Madara was grinning now, slow deep chuckles rumbling up out of his chest until he was tilting his head back for outright laughter.

Still tucked under one of his arms, Tobirama glowed. He was stupidly proud of himself every time he managed to make his partner laugh like this. Surely the magic of it all would fade eventually but for now they had only been together a mere couple of weeks and he intended to enjoy this feeling while it was still new.

When she had gathered herself, Mito lowered her hand and reached out to pat him approvingly on the knee. Tobirama offered her a nod. He had, of course, considered several different methods of getting back at the two idiots and many of them had involved light maiming just as her method did. After much thought he’d decided to take the high road. Doing things her way would only bring him further misery in the form of Hashirama’s endless whining. The point of this was to express his displeasure once and for all so they could put the whole thing behind them, not to create more trouble for himself and create a vicious cycle of revenge.

“One question,” Madara said after he caught his breath again.

“Just the one?”

“Why are we being mean to Hashirama? He wasn’t the one who was being a little shit about things.” He looked down at the man cuddled against him with a frown. Tobirama shook his head.

“Because he should have known who you were the moment you two met but he was too stupid to recognize the alarms going off inside his own head. _I_ was nice enough to bring Mito right to him. _He_ wasted years that you and I could have already spent together.”

Madara turned that over and then huffed quietly. “I hope they’re gone all day, the idiots.”

“That is _my_ idiot you are speaking off,” their companion broke in sharply.

“Sorry Mito,” they chorused. They weren’t sorry and she knew that very well but manners were important to her and they were willing to bow to that in order to keep their hair from being shaved while they slept. Poised and graceful she might be but above all things Mito was petty down to the bone.

Her approving expression fell away in favor of more laughter when Madara’s phone went off, playing the unique ringtone he had set for his younger sibling. All three of them snickered in unison and Madara pulled it out to check the screen. Instead of answering he pulled his notifications down and giggled harder as he turned it towards Tobirama, showing off the eight texts Izuna had sent him, each with increasing frustration that Hashirama would not believe him about flux capacitors not existing.

“Alright. Who needs another beer?” Madara tucked his phone away with a wide grin.

“You two stay there. Allow me,” Mito offered.

Tobirama gave her a grateful look. In return for the favor he waited until she had gone back in to the house before sitting up and turning, throwing a leg over to straddle Madara’s lap and draw him in to a warm, slow kiss. His partner groaned appreciatively and clung to his hips.

“Mm. Not that I’m complaining but what was that for?” Madara asked. Before answering Tobirama leaned forward to press their foreheads together, breathing deeply.

“I’m just…glad to have you.”

“Oh. Alright.” His soulmate smiled at him, too wide and full of teeth, the most precious smile that Tobirama would be happy to devote the rest of his life to.


End file.
